THE STEPS THAT LED ME TO COLLEGE 

     The thought of me going to college was one I never dreamed would become a reality. I am a woman of thirty-three, mother of three, wife of one, and work a full time job. How in the world would I ever be able to include being a college student in with all of that? Well somehow it has happened, and I will share with you the steps I have endured to make a dream a reality. The steps that have brought me to college have been motivation, hard work, and sacrifice.

     Michael Campbell, my brother-in-law, has played a big part in my being a college student. He has been there to hold my hand throughout the process. He has shown me what needs to be done in order to attend college. I am a person of many questions. I for some reason had to seek the answers from other sources. I was able to turn to co-workers who although, much younger than I, were in the same phase of making the choice to attend college. Upon having all of these individuals keeping me excited about attending school the motivation was there.

     Once convinced that going to college is what I really wanted to do, not to mention the excitement I felt any time the subject was brought up. Little did I know that the easiest part was behind me? I still faces some difficult tasks: applying, testing, speaking with a counselor, feelings of not fitting in, and then the big question, “How am I going to pay for college?”  One of my biggest obstacles was getting my transcripts to the right place before the deadline. Just be aware of all the different items and places you need to be and there should be no problems. Not putting it off till the last minute helps also. 

     Upon being accepted and completing all the necessary items that needs to be done, I next had to decide what was going to have to be changed or sacrificed in order for me to be able to attend college. When making such decisions you will need to include all parties involved in your life, because not only will it affect you but them also. The one big change for me was learning that when my day was normally over I still had a lot more stuff that needed to be accomplished, with a deadline. I am not able to watch T.V., read a magazine, or even just not do anything. I always have something I could or need to be doing for school.

     I feel I have made the right decision to attend college and I am looking forward to the benefits that will reap once I am finished. I can never impress upon anyone the importance of a good education, but by my returning so late in life I am hoping to show and teach my children what a good education can do for them. The process that brought me full circle to where I am at today is all due to the support and love of family and friends, diligence of not giving up no matter how tough it can seem, and the sacrifices and tough decisions that are always there and at one point or another will need to be made.

Introduction

Clarifies task/question

Thesis in the last line of the introduction

1st Body Paragraph
--first Primary Support for thesis

In this case, it is the first step in the process--motivation.

2nd Body Paragraph
--second Primary Support for the thesis

In this case, it is the second phase or step in the process or sequence--hard work.

3rd Body Paragraph
--third Primary Support for the thesis

The last phase or step in the process--sacrifice

(There could be more steps than three.)

Conclusion paragraph

Thesis re-expressed

THE STEPS THAT LED ME TO COLLEGE 

     The thought of me going to college was one I never dreamed would become a reality. I am a woman of thirty-three, (1) mother of three, wife of (2) one, and I work a full time job. How in the world would I ever be able to include being a college student in with all of that? Well, (3) somehow it has (4) happened, and I will share with you the steps I have endured to make a dream a reality. The steps that have brought me to college have been motivation, hard work, and sacrifice.

     Michael Campbell, (5) my brother-in-law, (5) has played a big part in my being a college student. He has been there to hold my hand throughout the process. He has shown me what needs to be done in order to attend college. I am a person of many questions. I for some reason had to seek the answers from other sources. I was able to turn to co-workers who,(6) although, (7) much younger than I, (6)were in the same phase of making the choice to attend college. Upon having all of these individuals keeping me excited about attending school, (8) the motivation was there.

     Once convinced that going to college is what I really wanted to do, not to mention the excitement I felt any time the subject was brought up. Little did I know that the easiest part was behind me? I still faces some difficult (9)tasks: applying, testing, speaking with a counselor, feelings of not fitting in, and then the big question, “How am I going to pay for college?”  One of my biggest obstacles was getting my transcripts to the right place before the deadline. Just be aware of all the different items and places you need to (10) be, and there should be no problems. Not putting it off till the last minute helps also. 

     Upon being accepted and completing all the necessary items that needs to be done, (11) I next had to decide what was going to have to be changed or sacrificed in order for me to be able to attend college. When making such decisions, (12) you will need to include all parties involved in your life, because not only will it affect you but them also. The one big change for me was learning that when my day was normally over I still had a lot more stuff that needed to be accomplished, with a deadline. I am not able to watch T.V., read a magazine, or even just not do anything. I always have something I could or need to be doing for school.

     I feel I have made the right decision to attend college, (13) and I am looking forward to the benefits that will reap once I am finished. I can never impress upon anyone the importance of a good (14) education, but by my returning so late in life, (15) I am hoping to show and teach my children what a good education can do for them. The process that brought me full circle to where I am at today is all due to the support and love of family and friends, diligence of not giving up no matter how tough it can seem, and the sacrifices and tough decisions that are always there and at one point or another will need to be made.

Blue is original
Red is changed

(1)--commas in a series
(2)--comma + and to connect complete thoughts
(3)--missing comma after intoductory element
(4)--comma + and to connect complete thoughts

(5)--commas around an interrupting element

(6)--commas around an interrupting element
(7) No comma needed here
(8) Comma after introductory element needed

(9) Colon used to set up a list

(10) Missing comma to work with the "and" to connect two complete thoughts

(11) Good comma after introductory element

(12) Comma after introductory element needed

(13) Missing comma to work with the "and" to connect two complete thoughts
(14) Good comma + "but" to connect complete thoughts.
(15) Comma after introductory element needed